The Scratch Golfer


A golfer teed off at the first hole of his club and shanked it badly. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, “Are you a good golfer?”

The man replied that he was a scratch golfer, meaning that he could play to a zero handicap.

St. Peter said: “You may enter Heaven but you must play only on the white course up there.”

The man protested: “I have always played the blue course! I can’t possibly play on white!”

St. Peter replied: “Sorry, those are the rules: no red (Jews), no black (blacks), and no blue (Democrats) allowed on the white course up there.

The golf club is the instrument of a gentleman. And the golf course is a reflection of the gentleman’s soul.**

The great thing about putting is that it’s only a six-inch shot. Even I can hit a six-inch shot.**

If you’re in a sand trap, try to take pleasure in the fact that you’re not in jail.**

A good golf partner is one who’s always slightly worse than you are – that’s why I get so much satisfaction out of playing with my brother-in-law.**

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work, and both are expensive.**

If you want to really improve your game, take up bowling. It will do wonders for your putting touch.**

Golf is not how well you play when things are going well; it’s how well you play when things are going poorly.**

The more I practice, the luckier I get.**

Bad golfers don’t get bad breaks; they make them themselves by playing off the wrong tees, missing short putts, and hitting poor drives and iron shots which cause them to have longer second shots into the greens, etc., etc., etc., ad infinit

Golf Jokes

Jokes about golf, funny things about golf and other things that will make you laugh. If you are a true golfer, you will like these jokes!

Golf Joke of the Day

Q: Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?

A: In case they get a hole in one.

Q: What did the Mexican golfer say?

A: “Hole in Juan.”

Q: What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A: A bad golfer goes *Whack!* “Darn!” … but a bad skydiver goes “Darn!” *WHACK!*

More Golf Jokes!

The other day, I wrote about how to hit longer golf shots. Today I’m going to turn my attention to the bunker golf shot.

This is a shot that strikes fear in the heart of most amateur players. Who wants to be stuck in a sand trap with a ball they might have trouble even finding? Sure, we may have a little wedge or sand wedge in our bag, but do we know how to use it?

The answer is probably no. Most amateurs don’t know how to handle this shot. They often take too much club and try to muscle their way out of the trap. This usually results in a fat shot, lots of sand flying, and no forward motion on the ball.

To get out of a bunker cleanly, you have to understand this one concept: The club will go under the ball if you swing correctly through impact.

That’s all there is to it! The club will go under the ball! It sounds simple, but most players can’t remember that on the course. They try to scoop at the ball with their arms and end up hitting fat shots or skulling over it onto the green.

But if you think about swinging underneath the ball during your pre-shot routine, you never have to worry about

As you know, I’ve been working on my golf game.

For the past year I’ve been playing 1-2 times a week and taking lessons every other month or so. I’m pretty proud of the progress I’ve made in that time. My handicap index has dropped almost 10 strokes and I’ve shot a couple of sub-80 rounds.

But I still have a long way to go before I reach that coveted 5 handicap — my “golf nirvana.”

So, in an effort to get better, I’ve made several changes recently:

Playing more

I need to play more golf to get better at golf. This is an obvious one. And with nice weather upon us, it’s time to play some more golf.

The golfer has to be one of the luckiest people on earth. He wakes up every day and heads for a golf course, knowing he will be surrounded by beautiful trees, fresh air, and green grass.

The only downside to this activity is that you have to give up your Sunday afternoon nap.

Golf Jokes and Quotes

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer. – Unknown

What’s a foursome? A man and his three wives.

How about a threesome? A man and his two wives.

A twosome? A man and his wife. What’s a onesome? Same thing.

I’m not saying my wife doesn’t like golf – she just never seems to want to play the same course twice. – Bob Hope

My wife told me I was acting immaturely. I told her to get out of my fort!

Do you know how to keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals.”

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

I know what Victoria’s Secret is but what’s Donald Trump’s secret? He has more money than he knows what to do with and he still has that comb over!

What do lawyers use for birth control? Their personalities!


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