Best Golf Jokes You’ve Never Heard – Because You Can’t Play Golf

This Blog is a collection of my favorite golf jokes. I’m writing this blog because I love golf and I love humor. I think most people who play golf (or should I say “try to play”) can laugh at themselves. They laugh at the “easy shots” they miss, the “impossible” shots they make, the equipment they buy and most of all, they laugh at their buddies who are equally terrible at this game we love.

I hope you enjoy this blog and please feel free to submit your own jokes.

1. “The hardest thing about playing golf is having to play with other people.”

2. “I have no idea what my handicap is right now; I have been playing so poorly for the last two weeks.”

3. “He can’t make a putt in regulation, but he can make it from anywhere on the carpet”

4. “It has never been proven that the term golf was derived from the word gentleman. But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t true.”

5. “He hits it long, but he also hits it straight, kind of like Tiger Woods used to do before he started cheating on his wife and crashing his car into a tree and a fire hydrant and then blaming it all on Ambien and Vicodin, which probably cost him hundreds of millions of dollars in legal fees and lost endorsements when all he had to do was just pay off one of his mistresses with a few bucks and she would have kept her mouth shut instead of dragging him through the mud and making a fool out of him all over the world with every nanny who ever lived and every woman who ever met him claiming that they slept with him as well

A golf pro was once asked what the most important shot in golf was. The answer: “The next one”.

A golfer who was playing very badly got his ball into an unplayable position on a par 3 hole. He decided to pick up his ball and start again. He told his playing partners he was going to play another ball from the tee, as he was entitled to do, without penalty, and he would count the shot he had just taken as a practice shot.

When they had finished their round and were in the clubhouse having a drink, one of his friends said: “You know, you can’t play that way – it’s against the rules of golf. You have to tell your opponent what you are doing before you play the next shot.”

He replied: “I don’t think I should have to tell them I’m going to hit another ball off the tee – that should be obvious! I only have to tell them if I am going to use a different club.”

A golfer on his way home stops by a bar and orders a drink. He sees the guy next to him has one arm. So, he asks if he played golf with one arm. One-armed guy says yes and that he is a scratch golfer. The first guy can’t believe it, so they set up a match for the next day.

The next day they play 18 holes. At the end of 18 holes, the first guy actually beats him 3-2 in match play! He is flabbergasted! The one armed guy says don’t worry about it, I am going to make it up to you tomorrow, play me again tomorrow.

So, the next day they show up at the course and play another 18 holes. This time the one armed guy beats him 5 & 4 in match play! The first guy is really upset now because he knows there is no way he can beat this guy.

The third day they meet again, but this time the first guy says this is serious money we are playing for today so you will have to fork over $1000 if you win. The one armed guy agrees before they tee off.

They start playing and after 9 holes the one armed guy is 3 under par while the other guy

A golfer tees off at the first hole and slices his ball into a foursome of ladies who are playing in front of him. “Fore!” he screams, but one of the women gets hit on her arm and drops to the ground in pain.

The man rushes over and asks if she’s okay.

“I’m fine,” she says, “but you should be more careful; I’m an attorney. Let me give you my card.”

“Oh no,” the man says, “I’m really sorry. I have a doctorate in physics, and I know that all objects in motion remain in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.”

“You see,” he continues, “my swing is off balance due to my bad back, which has gotten worse since I started practicing law late last year. And to top it off, if I hadn’t been distracted by your lawyer friend here, who just got hit by my ball for the second time, I would have hit it straight down the fairway.”

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to his caddie, “I’d give anything to sink this putt.”

The caddie replies, “Don’t say that, sir. Anything is a very high price to pay.”

The golfer takes his shot – and misses. “Well,” says the caddie, “You asked for it.”

A photographer goes on a safari in Africa and takes pictures of the animals. He takes so many shots that he runs out of film. He borrows some film from another photographer and continues shooting.

When the photographers get their films developed, they notice that a lot of their pictures overlap. They decide to meet to discuss which ones are theirs. The first photographer shows several slides of elephants walking past a small tree.

The second photographer says: “Those are mine!”

“How can you tell?” asks the first photographer.

“Because,” replies the second photographer, “that’s where I sat to take those pictures.”

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